"fight for my life"
it called for me, begged me to hear
i ignored it for a while, until i couldn't. then i listened. relentlessly, shamefuly
at first it was just a way to forget, a way to control what couldn't be controlled before...
time progressed
now, it's more than i ever wanted it to be.
serious and painful, frightening and hard.
everyday's a struggle. everyday's a war. it worsens
and i'm losing without even trying
i can't do anything
but i can hide it all

skillfully, carefully, perfectly
there's nothing else i can do. it's gone too far
i'm too busy to care
my tears are hidden in my eyes
i don't let them see, not any of them
i feel them ignore me, but i take it as if it were nothing.
i say something, and they don't really hear me. i'm a shadow
they reject me
i ignore it now, not like before,
although, i feel and become invisible
and allow myself to be
i pretend i'm strong, sometimes i pretend i'm pretty or smart
but i deceive myself, feeling rotten and shallow and wrong
i hide myself in my european history book, in my thoughts of the world and how i wish it were different, the things i write, in the
things i do to myself to make me forget about the past
but i'm left helpless and in pain with common loneliness
i want to say something, i want to escape from it all, i want to be normal and strong and healthy
it hurts too much
i busy myself, hoping it will go away by itself, but it won't
i am it's prey and it plans to eat me alive
i ran out of hiding places
it wants me dead
i'm so scared.
help me please. somebody take me away from this place... i can't go on.. i'm so hungry.

---
megan